Cait (annie_tait) wrote in gateview_a_h,

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It started as an inside joke...

...but has become a cult.

So, Gateview Girls, here it is. The home for our late-night ramblings. A haven for the insanity that occurs only in the wee hours, where no one can rightfully accuse us of being weird, because, let's face it-- anyone who reads this has got to be pretty weird.

Title: Daniel and the Horrible, No Good Orange Light of Doom
Author: Cait
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Romance
Pairings: Daniel/Janet, Sam/Jack, and the obscure but fabulous
Teal'c/Wire-Cutter friendship, which is gaining ground more quickly than we could have imagined.
Spoilers: Season 8, vaguely.
Summary: Daniel seeks help restoring the Internet so he can obtain his Very
Important Object.
Disclaimer: Stargate is not mine. If it was, do you really think TPTB would let me do this to their characters?
A/N: The old author's notes no longer apply. You got yourself into this. Suck it up.

Thanks go to Misty, for reading as I wrote and assuring me that Poorly Written Fic of this nature is perfect, and reflective of the mood we were in not long before dawn; and to Julie for contributing text and ideas during the chat, and for coming up with the title.
Blame goes to those two as well. They are bad for me.
If you really feel like sending feedback... well, go ahead.


Daniel had been frantically searching the Internet all day for his Incredibly Important and Life-Altering objective. He was merely one click away and could almost taste it when the connection suddenly became un-connected and the Orange Light of Doom appeared on the modem.

"Noooo!" Daniel cried. "I was so very close! I absolutely *must* make the
Orange Light of Doom go away so that I can finally obtain my object of
Life-Altering Importance!"

Daniel decided that he would go to Jack and make him fix the internet. Jack was, after all, the General, and therefore may have the power to order the internet to work so that Daniel could continue his mission.

Upon reaching Jack's office, however, Daniel discovered that no one was

"Of course not," Daniel reasoned. "Jack's never in his office. I'll go
see if Sam can help. She can fix anything."

Daniel made his way to Sam's lab only to find that she was up to her elbows in some complex alien doohickey. He doubted she'd be any help, but it didn't hurt to ask.

"Sam, the internet's broken and I really, really need it. Could you pretty please fix it for me?" he asked, batting his pretty blue eyes at her. It was no use, however, as she never looked up from the treasure trove of technology upon which she was concentrating.

"Who needs the internet when there are so many fun alien things to tear apart?" came her reply.

Daniel sighed an exasperated sigh. "*I* do, Sam. Can't you please help

"Oooh, look, power crystals!!"

Realizing that his pleading was getting him nowhere, Daniel decided to seek help elsewhere.

"Teal'c might help," he thought. "He needs the internet to order his

Daniel knocked on the door to Teal'c's quarters. He heard some shuffling
around inside, and a few moments later, the jaffa ordered, "Enter."

"Teal'c, the internet is broken and I was thinking that since you order your candles online and stuff, maybe you'd help me fix it."

Teal'c held his head up high, staring at a spot just above Daniel's head. "I have already ordered my candles and have no use for the internet at this time, DanielJackson." Daniel thought he saw Teal'c's chin quiver with laughter. "I must now Kel'no'reem."

"But Teal'c, you don't have a symbiote and don't need to Kel'no'reem anymore. Won't you please help me first?"

"No. But I believe DoctorFraiser could be of some assistance," Teal'c

"Janet? Since when does Janet know how to fix the internet?" Daniel wondered.

"Look, she does, so go to the freaking infirmary and ask her, ok?" At that, Teal'c promptly closed his eyes and began to meditate.

"Oh, um... ok," Daniel agreed, making a mental note to report Teal'c's odd behavior to the doctor. As he turned to leave the room, the glint of metal from behind Teal'c caught his eye. "Teal'c, are those wire-cutters behind your back?"

"Ommm..." Teal'c replied, apparently already deep into his meditations.

"Odd," thought Daniel. "He's never 'om'ed during Kel'no'reem before... Oh
well, I'll go talk to Janet."

As soon as Daniel entered the infirmary, Janet appeared in front of him as if from nowhere. "Oh my god, Daniel! Are you alright? Did you get hurt? Are you sick?"

Daniel smiled inwardly at her concern. She was such a good, caring doctor.

"I'm fine, but the internet crashed--"

Before he could finish his sentence, Janet had thrown him on a cot and began examining him thoroughly, yet oh-so-gently. He couldn't imagine why Jack would call such a sweet, tender woman a Napoleonic Power-Monger.

He also couldn't imagine why she needed to examine him, but she had the
medical expertise, and he wasn't going to stop her from doing her job. But he was still curious.

"Janet, I said I couldn't get online. Why on earth would you need to examine me so closely for such a thing?"

"Oh," she replied. "You said 'crash' and I thought you might have gotten

Daniel smiled dreamily. "How very spectacular of you to care so much for my well-being! But really, I'm fine."

"Better safe than sorry," Janet reasoned. "Now, drop your pants."


Sam made a ground-breaking yet unspecific discovery while dismantling her
alien gadget and decided she needed to email the Pentagon. She discovered that the internet connection had been severed by wire-cutters but fixed it effortlessly before faintly recalling that Daniel had mentioned wanting to go online. When she went to find him and tell him that All Was Well with the computers, she discovered him and Janet in a compromising position on an infirmary cot and said, "Hey, I'm tired of being the only one not getting any." She resigned from the SGC and the Air Force and went to work for Road Runner, at which time there was nothing keeping Jack from her, and the two lived happily ever after.

Meanwhile, back at the SGC, Daniel finally got back online and ordered the engagement ring he'd been so close to buying before the internet had gone down. He proposed to Janet and they got married and had lots of babies.

Teal'c, upon realizing why Daniel had been so adamant about being online,
felt a bit sheepish and more than a little counterproductive for cutting the connection in order to set up the two doctors, but reasoned that everything had worked out in the end, so no harm, no foul.

The End
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